Today I have been smoke free for 2 months.
This time it feels real.
A shadow I left behind.

and I feel compelled to cook and bake every waking moment.
When I am not cooking or baking, I'm thinking about what to cook or bake next.
I spent the day reading of all my cookbooks and magazines cover to cover, spread out on the floor all around me, choosing meals for the coming weeks, while watching the food network.

The warm aromas fill the kitchen, mix with the Autumn air and greet you at the front door.
Come on over, I'll feed you.

"Is anybody with you?" she asked.
"no" I replied softly, "only White Oleander."

the tiniest of moments
can take your breath away
and be forgotten in an instant.

dance under the moon tonight.

another sleepless night
wondering where I belong

on the carousel of life.

well, it's offical, Chloe and I will be going to California and Colorado in just a few short weeks, for a few long weeks. I can't believe this is me, I've always been such a homebody with a great longing in my heart to get out into the world and now I am actually doing it. No longer trapped in a cage, waiting, for anything. I feel so free, with the whole world opening up in front of me.


(photographer-anonymous)

"The string between them grew incredibly long, so long it had to be extended with many other strings tied together: his yoyo, the pull from her talking doll, the twine that had fastened his father's diary, the waxy string that had kept her grandmother's pearls around her neck and off the floor, the thread that had separated his great uncle's childhood quilt from a pile of rags. Contained within everything they shared with one another were the yoyo, the doll, the diary, the necklace, and the quilt. They had more and more to tell each other and less and less string. The boy asked the girl to say 'I love you' into her can, giving her no further explaination. And she didn't ask for any, or say 'that's silly'... or even suggest that she was saying 'I love you' because he asked her to. Instead she said 'I love you'. The words traveled the yoyo, the doll, the necklace, the quilt, the clothesline, the birthday present, the harp, the tea bag, the tennis racket, the hem of the skirt... The boy covered his can with a lid, removed it from the string, and put her love for him on a shelf in his closet. Of course, he could never open the can, because then he would lose its contents. It was enough just to know it was there."

-Jonathon Safran Foer

It was an amazing adventure. People in both Holland and Paris were so friendly and kind. So the whole "Parisians are rude" myth is out the door for me. :P
I felt very shy to speak French and Dutch, but I tried my best while I was there. People were so nice and switched to English for me, without even being asked, I was very pleasantly surprised! The problem was, even though I could speak a little, I had a very hard time understanding anything that was said back to me in the native languages. But by the end of each stay, I was starting to catch on a bit better. Being immersed in another language would be the only way I think I could ever really learn it. One thing I remember most from France, was everybody seemed to end their sentences with Viola! hehe. Oh and from Holland... Dutch men are Hot! I've honestly never seen so many handsome men in one place before.

I don't even know where to begin in telling stories from the trip. Each day was filled with something new, leaving all of my senses overflowing. Its all swirling and mingling in my mind. From the cold grey weather, cleanest brick streets you could eat tasty treats of off, most accomodating people, enormous old buildings on the tiniest alleys, canals filled with houseboats promising to soon spill over with flowers, prostitutes behind curtains, fun shopping sprees, fields of daisies, Zo's incredible house of kitsch, sweet sweet kitties and being surrounding by the most charming bikes everywhere I went in Holland... To the moody skies, beautiful grime covering breathtaking architecture, beggars playing accordians, the Siene, silhouette cutters, vespas, musicians in the archways and subways, unsurpassed people of style, boulangeries, cafes every 5 feet, delicious crepes, fruit, macaroons & baguettes, fresh food markets, the monumental day, and the kind and musical people of Paris; especially the boy playing cello in his room across the street from our hotel who lulled me to sleep one night through the open balcony doors with sheer lacey white curtains.

In the end, the greatest memories I will take from this trip were spending time with Zo and meeting Lisa for the first time. The surroundings of such beautiful cities just made it all that much more rich and exciting. It was so hard to say goodbye.

When I go back someday, I would love to see more of the nightlife and the countryside. I did learn that as much as I love the city for visiting, I'm a country girl in my heart and need to live surrounded by nature. I can only imagine how beautiful it must be in both of these countries.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, follow me over to flickr and I can share so much more with you that way. I still have a ton of photos to load.

click on Ana to come along with us:


ps. Katie *quack*

dear diary,
I'm sorry I've been away so long, but I haven't been myself for a very long time. I'm still not quite myself because I've changed a lot since I last knew me. But its still me, tucked away somewhere deep down inside.



I've learned painful lessons and have had amazing adventures. I've drowned in the deepest sorrows and have been lost in surreal happiness. I've lived in the darkest isolation and have been showered with love and affection. I've dreamed larger than life and have been completely empty inside. Yet, for the longest time I lost all of my words and ability to express any of it.
But I have missed you and I think I would like to start again.
as the fragments fade away and become whole once more.

Tokyo has been an amazing adventure and surreal dream. Full of so many firsts in my life, meeting so many incredible new people and strengthening bonds of friendship that now also exist in real life. It is an experience I will be forever grateful for and full of fond memories I will always cherish.

It has however been quite surprising for me to read from people that my behavior has been considered so intolerable and rude. I never expected people to want to know or meet me and never saw any actions from others to prove otherwise. My reasons for being in Tokyo were to have a new adventure, play dolls, support and meet one of my dearest online friends, while trying to avoid any drama. This is what I did and I enjoyed my time there immensely. I also met so many wonderful new people and made new friends that brought even more happiness and good feelings to my times spent there.

Now to lay some drama to rest for myself so I can go on to posting more about my wonderful memories. At no time did any person approach me during this trip that I turned away from. I enjoyed meeting many new people. If somebody wasn't able to simply catch my eye, it was because I was fairly surrounded at times by what felt like a large group of judgemental people who were in no way welcoming to me and I tend to be extremely overwhelmed by large groups of people, whether I feel welcomed or not. There were times it was a sea of people that I did not know any specific person or face to look to. What I find most odd in people interpretting my behavior, is in knowing that when I have found myself in times of being part of a larger group and seeing another person standing alone, I would be the one to approach them so as to attempt to alleviate their discomfort and include them. But I was not disappointed nor offended by this lack of action on others' behalf because it is not something I ever realistically expected and felt it was understandable considering the surrounding issues. Actually, people behaved fairly close to how I assumed they would. I saw some extremely rude and disappointing behavior as well. But rather than dwell on it or attempt to further humiliate, name and embarrass others as they have done, I prefer to focus on the good times I have taken with me from this amazing adventure. It outweighs everything else for me.

I am also extremely loyal to my close friends and when one of them has been so unfairly villianized, I do not feel the need to approach the people who have treated them this way, under false pretenses. I am not saying that anybody else did this, I am saying that is how it would feel for me. I have no problem at all with differences of opinions and setting those opinions aside to continue friendships, meet and speak to people. But for many I do not feel it is the case of a simple difference of opinion. People have been bashing and out for blood on this issue and have attempted to considerably hurt a person that I care about. It is simply not my way and were not my reasons for being in Tokyo. I was there for fun, real friendships and meeting people who were truly interested in meeting and wanting to know me for positive reasons. If this is appalling and rude, then so be it.

ahh, time to reconnect and play with my family, get to work on my photos and stories, deswell my feet and try to get back on a normal sleeping schedule. 2-3 hours of sleep a day for 8 days is mindboggling. Its been like an electrical current of energy I couldn't turn off.

Its now after midnight and I'm still wide awake. oy!

A day to wander about the city aimlessly, alone.
I shared big soft pretzel with a little magpie as we sat together on the edge of the harbor and watched the tall ships come in to port.
Took a ferry over to the Point for a visit to Trixie's Palace, where I found the most perfect dresses and trinkets to inspire some new hair and attitude. The most quaint little shop where you get changed behind a screen and every nook and cranny is steeped to the brim with vintage fashions and decor, local artist's jewelry and japanese kawaii. I felt like I was in a really cool friend's bedroom playing dressups in her closet. Nice music, peaceful. The shop girl was so pretty and nice. I always have to be mindful not to stare at people, I get so easily lost on their faces and wondering who they are.

It rained and rained and rained. No umbrella. The timeless time came to an end as I watched the ferry leave the dock without me. Found shelter under a tree growing out of the bricks, while peeking through my bag of new found goodies, drenched and happy, drinking fresh lemonade and watching passersby.

Finally the ferry arrives again and of course makes three extra stops on the way back. The first mate kindly entertained me throughout the entire return trip to pass the time *sigh*, the parking garage would not accept my cash donation, I couldn't find my car in the huge garage and even though I was given the danger warning lecture before heading off to the big city... I still made it home safe and sound. A mugging would have merely added some extra excitement to the day.
Gotta live life.

The thunder and lighting is here and its starting to hail. Tornado and flood warnings are now in effect.

Its almost time to say goodbye to dear Enid. I made these special dresses for her and Mabel, so she will always remember us.



Dress pattern designed by Chun and Loou. Thank you both so much for letting me work with it so I could create dresses for the twins..